Sunday, September 12, 2010

Updates and Gender Stuff

Hey everybody,

Ha! Well even though it's been a little over a month ( Maybe more like two month. ), at least it hasn't been a year. ^-^

So what's new? A couple of things. My girlfriend and I just bought a computer together and we've been busy playing a couple of games on it. She's playing the Sims 3 and I,ve been playing StarCraft 2. ( I suck online so don,t ask me to add you or anything. Unless I already know you. )

I tell you, this thing is pretty sweet. It's not a super bomb, but it's pretty good. I'm pretty hopeful that we'll be able to play Diablo 3 as well. ( Hmph! Maybe it is a super bomb. I really don't know anymore. ) I just need to put my windows in english so that J can understand what's going on with Norton. ( J being my GF. ) Right now it's in french. It's got a Blu-ray player on it, but honestly, unless I hook up my PC on my TV, I don't think it'll serve much purpose.

Other than that, well we've just celebrated our first six months together. (Soon to be seven months. ) And also we're getting the hang of living together. ( And also getting the hang of time sharing the PC. ^-^Jokes. ) We've been living together since last May. But in all, everything between J and me are good. I thank my lucky stars that I have her in my life. Seriously, I don't think a lot of women would be able to handle a geek and a tranny all wrapped into one. But she's one of them, and she's great. I think she would even out-geek certain people I know. You should see some of the games she plays. ^w^ ( I think when I'm done with StarCraft, I might buy Dragon Age and see if it tickles her fancy. ) In any case, we seem to think that we were made for each other and that we're extremely lucky to have crossed our paths.

On the gender front, something happened a month and a half ago that made me question things. And again, the perpetual question of how should I be living my life resurfaced. But of course now, I have someone to consider regarding this decision. J loves both Naomi and Paul, so if either one had to go permanently she would be sad. ( Ugh! I'm still separating both genders as if they were 2 persons but they're not. I am Naomi and Paul. But it seems easier to talk about myself like this sometimes. Even for J. ) In any case, it's a big decision that can't be taken lightly. But one thing is for sure. I want to get rid of my bodily hair with laser hair removal. I'm sure I won't miss that. ^-^

Anyway, the thing that happened that brought upon this questioning is one of my friends wedding to which J and I attended and at which I was dressed up. As you know, pretty much all, if not everyone of my friends knows about my dressing up. So when I heard that this specific ceremony would be just friends, I figured that it would be okay if I showed up in the best dress I have. Everything was fine and dandy until we got to the door and saw my friend's soon to be husband. I don't now what it was, but the unreadable expression on his face made me doubt myself and I eeked out the question: "Is this ok?". J swore that she saw me drop down to two feet tall. ( And that's quite a feat considering I'm 5'11" tall nearly 6'. ^-^ ) He said that it was ok with him but he would have to check with his soon to be bride. J, in a pure act of chivalry asked: "And who are you?" To which he replied: "I'm the groom." Yes presentations were not even done at that point, and I asked if I could exist.

Cause it boils down to that really. Each time I'm asking "Is this okay?" or "Is the presence of Naomi okay?" it's as if I'm asking "Can I exist this way?" or " Can I be myself". And honestly, I'm tired of asking this question and it's gotten to a point where I don't ask anymore. I guess I just assumed that all my friends would be ok with it now. But like I heard in a movie once. Assumption is the mother of all fsckups. It turned out to be okay. The bride had no qualms with it and we got to have a good time anyway. But it could of become a very humiliating event for J and me. What would've happened if we had to turn tail. I guess I haven't thought up to that point really. But in any case, it begged the question of what should I do with this from now on.

J proposed an idea to me which I'm kinda of inclining to do. It would actually kill two birds with one stone really since I was planning on changing my e-mail eventually to better suite who I am. She put up the idea of sending a mass mail saying to everyone in my contact list that from now on, they would have to specify if they want my girl side to come or not. In other words, if they just send me invite and they don't specify if they want boy mode only, then I am free to choose whatever the frak I feel like showing up in. It's an interesting idea. However it makes me feel uneasy to the fact that they'll have some kind of power over me. But if I truly mean what I say when I say that I respect my friends fully, then I have to trust them with this decision until I decide to transition fully if transition there will be. Cause if I transition, there's only one way I'm going to present myself.

Interesting post-script to this story though. A month after the wedding, I ran into my friend that performed the ceremony. ( To which I tip my hat off because he was very good. ) I told him about the uneasiness that happened that day and that it turned out to be okay. He proceeded to ask if I felt like people were looking at me or if I felt the pressure of peering eyes at the wedding. I answered not really because I'm starting to get used to it in the grand public anyway. He mentioned to me that people who didn't know me at the wedding were asking questions as to whether I was a real woman or not. Which I take as a compliment in all honesty. Look, I know I'll never look a 100% like a real woman. Or rather I should say that I know people are gonna clue in that I'm a transvestite. However, if I'm able to make people do a double take and make them wonder: "Who's the sweedish girl?" as J would put it ^-^, then I feel like I won half the battle. So if by any chance you're reading this L, thanks for telling me this. That really made my day. ^-^ I guess it pays for me to go the extra mile to look good.

Wow. This was a long entry. I hope I didn't bore you gals and guys. ^-^ Like I said, I'm seriously considering doing that mass mail thing. I'm curious what it would do and also I'm not 100% sure this is the right course of action. If any of you reading have any suggestions, I'm all ears/eyes. But honestly, if I keep living this duality, I think I'll need to do it the way I said. But it feels tactless. Oh well. Guess I'll think about it some more.

Until then, this is me signing off.


  1. They wouldn't have power over you at all. They'd simply be stating their own limitations and difficulties in accepting you the way you are. YOU, on the other hand, have no reason to take that personally since it is entirely THEIR problem to deal with. :)


    Btw I don't think we'll see each other much before I leave for the States with the way things are going, I'm still going to keep reading your blog though. =)

  2. Salut,
    Bon Je sais ke suis enretard sur les nouvels mais comme tu vois je te lie encore.... Je n'ai pue m'empêché D'avoir l'idée complètement farfelue d'avoir a t'envoyer des e-mail avec des code du genres BOY ou Girl a la fin d'un message. Je voulais surtout te rassuré sur tes questionnements par rapport a Naomie ou Paul. Tous le monde a des question de ce genre... bon pas exactement de ce genres mais des questions quand même... Moi, par exemple, J'ammene tu mon enfant ou pas... Liam est t'il invité ou pas.... embout de ligne si les gens peuvent pas vivre avec les points important de ma vie bin qu'ils ayent se nourrir dans les toilettes comme dit Josyane. Pis tu devrais faire de même. pis c'est pas pour tetter mais vous êtte touts les trois bien venu chez moi ( J, Naomi et Paul... Mais pas Paul et Naomi en même temps parce que j'arriverais plus a suivre...)
    Take care
    P.S: j'espère controuvera du temps pour ce voir bientot...